beautiful year.

Look at me, taking up blogging again a few months ago.

Wrote two blogs & called it quits.

Is it such a cliche that I'm only blogging because it's the very end, last day ever of 2013?

Yes.  But I don't care, it's been a beautiful year & I'm excited to see it all laid out on this page.

Oh how God has grown me.  I feel like I have grown spiritually at the same rate that Emma grows now, so fast.  I have ached with growing pains while God has been stretching & shrinking, giving & taking, building & breaking.  How wonderful the outcome.  My heart is set on Him.  I am experiencing His freedom for the first time in my life & have gotten just a small peek at who He really is as my Father & my Savior, constantly seeking more.

I got to experience pregnancy.  I loved it.  I was the ONLY one in my birthing class that said I enjoyed being pregnant & I meant it!  I was really only miserable the last week & if I had known that was my last week I wouldn't have hated it nearly as much.  I got to feel my little girl roll around in my belly, see her on an ultrasound & name her after my grandmother.  This was a wonderful time that I hope I get to experience again one day.  But if not, I have Emma & that will be always be enough.

I had Emma.  I mean, what the heck.  A beautiful HUMAN BEING grew inside my belly & then forever became a perfect part of my life.  Just my kind of perfect too.  God made her for Him, but He was just so kind to make her great for me too.  I'm constantly pouring out gratitude, daily in tears for the simple fact that she's mine.  I always say, "If she wasn't mine, I'd want her."  But I have her & this is easily my favorite part of 2013.

 

My love for my husband has never been stronger.  We just do life so well together.  We have learned compromise which was a game changer & we have seen what love really is.  The bond we had over Emma's birth brought us so much closer than I could have imagined & God is showing both of us what He wants out of our marriage.  This was our fourth year married & was the best year yet.

I gained 33 pounds and lost 38 pounds.  My pregnancy got me motivated to take care of myself & I was forced along the way to change my eating habits.  This carried on after my pregnancy & has given me a new love for GOOD food & fitness.  I still eat cookies, cake, chips & cheese.  But I take better care of myself than ever & am excited to continue doing so.

There have been struggles this year, some lasting weeks, even months.  But overall, as always, God has been good.  Always good.  I have been bad, imperfect, ugly which I've allowed to spoil many days this year, but again, God has been good, perfect, beautiful & sees my beauty, my purpose though the mess & that, my friends, is worth celebrating.

Wishing for you all to have a much more beautiful new year.  Take the time to seek who God really is, He'll blow your mind this year & for years to come.

Happy new year!

catch up & scheduling.

I feel pretty hypocritical.
I mentioned how this wasn't going to be a journal kind of blog & that we should all have some privacy.
Then I shared some pretty in depth stories about the last several months.
I was playing catch up, so now we're here.

This is my little Emma love & ever since June 10th, this is what my days look like.

If you're not a momma or momma-to-be you will probably not find this post helpful.

I decided pretty early on that I wanted to have Em on some kind of schedule.  I know that I function better under a routine & thought that she might do the same.  Several people had recommended BabyWise to me so I looked into it.  I looked online at some sample schedules from other moms and ended up going with a schedule that a GREAT friend of mine sent me.  There are so many new mommies around me so I wanted to share what has been a total lifesaver for me & Emma.

If you don't agree with scheduling, that's fine! Some people do waaay better without one.  Scheduling made my life easier & Emma happier but every momma & babe are different so please don't think that I am forcing this idea.

First, I need to thank my awesome friend, Heather, who set me up with this outline & has happily answered all of my MANY questions throughout this whole process.  Thanks Heather!! You da bomb.

I have changed my schedule recently to something different than Heather did which is the beauty of it all!  You can really do whatever you want.  But for the most part I've followed in her footsteps.

Emma was schedule free from birth to four weeks.  She was a wonderful baby that pretty much came into a routine on her own.  She ate about every two hours, except for those awesome cluster feeds (which helped my supply so I'm thankful now!) & slept so so good at night.  I would always have to wake her up every 3-4 hours during the night & I could tell that she'd rather be getting her sleep.  But there is definitely a time where a babe needs to eat at night & you getting a full night's sleep is way less important than your little's needs.

At four weeks I started to schedule.

The only real differences I had to make were keeping her awake during feedings so that she would get nice & full, & keeping her awake for some playtime after each feeding.

I extended her feedings to every three hours. Which worked great on some days & not so great on others.  I would never let her starve which a lot of people think babies do on a schedule.  If she was hungry in between feedings for those first couple of weeks I would feed her enough to hold her over until the big feeding & then make sure that she was awake & getting enough during her scheduled feeding.  This only happened a couple of times before she got the hang of staying awake & getting full during a feeding.

I've heard from some mommas that keeping their babe awake during feedings was super hard.  Switch sides often, do a little lotion massage, whatever it takes to keep them awake!

From four to twelve weeks this was her schedule.

Gotta balance out sleeping on her own
& sleeping with me.  Momma, don't
deny yourself this!

7am - wake up, eat
after each feeding we'd have awake/playtime (tummy time)
8am - lay down for nap
10am - wake up, eat
awake/playtime
11am - lay down for nap
1pm - wake up, eat
awake/playtime
2pm - nap
4pm - wake up, eat
awake/playtime
5pm - nap
7pm - wake up, eat
bath time/bedtime routine
8pm - lay down for bed
10pm - dreamfeed







I would let Em fall asleep during this dream feed if she wanted to & put her right to bed after she finished.  Once she got the hang of staying awake during her day feedings she started to stay awake during the dream feed & sleep longer at night.

Sometime around 2am I would wake her up to feed her, and again around 5am she would usually wake up on her own.I would feed her, lay her back down, then the schedule would start all over again at 7am.

After her doctor told us, around 7 weeks, that we could stop waking her up and let her wake up on her own she only woke up once a night to eat then go right back to sleep until 7am.  Check with your babes doctor before letting them sleep through.  You may just have a sleepy babe that still needs night feedings.

She started sleeping all the way through the night consistently around 4 months when her schedule changed.

She took to the schedule really well & I never really felt sleep deprived with her, even before the schedule, but especially after.  I was sleeping great & so was she.  I know this is just because she is so awesome ;) but I think the schedule helped too.

The two hour naps that she was taking were AWESOME.  I could shower, clean or even NAP! It was a game changer for sure.  I felt like I could still have a life & do the other things that I enjoyed & TRULY enjoy the time with my new babe.

One of the biggest controversies of scheduling is letting your baby cry it out.  This is difficult for any momma (& daddy too) but thankfully we only had to let Em cry it out a few times before she got comfortable falling asleep on her own.

We gave her a paci around three weeks, after she had established a good latch with breastfeeding.  We started doing naps in the crib at around three weeks and then she solely slept in her crib from four weeks on.  We would let her cry for 10 minutes & if she hadn't stopped (which only happened a few times) we would go in, give her the paci, rub her belly & head so that she knew she was okay & leave the room.  If the crying continued we would give her 5 minutes, repeat the process & if she still hadn't stopped, one of us would pick her up and soothe her.  We have only ever had to pick her up maybe 3 times early in the scheduling & usually I would feed her at that time.

I KNOW that we got super lucky.  We have never had to deal with hours of crying it out.  We've never let her go longer that 15 minutes because she would usually fall asleep within the first 10.  BLESSED.  If this doesn't work for you, I would recommend repeating the process until he or she does fall asleep.  I know it can be exhausting but what they learn will save you so much exhaustion later on! AND DON'T STARVE YOUR BABE!  If your instincts tell you that they're hungry, feed them.  If you're sticking to the schedule & making sure they're getting good, awake, full feedings then they will stop their snacking all together soon enough!

Emma went through a few growth spurts that I would HAVE to feed her more often.  I know her temperament is super laid back so when she would fuss between feedings it was because she was hungry, & I would feed her.  After realizing she was going through growth spurts I would let her nurse a lot longer, offering both sides several times after she would come off on her own.  This got rid of the snacking during growth spurts too.

The most important thing is to go with your motherly intuition.  A schedule isn't meant for you to go against the grain of a natural cycle.  If any part of it feels wrong, change it! It's meant to make your life easier.  It's important to not let the schedule control you and make you crazy.  As I mentioned, Emma fell into a routine on her own & I just stretched and timed it so that I could know what to expect, & so could she.

I started pumping pretty soon after my milk came in.  I saved that milk in our freezer and when she was a little over 3 weeks Lyman would feed her a bottle at 10pm while I pumped for the next 10pm feeding.  Giving her a bottle got her nice & full at night.  Any extra that I pumped I would freeze. Very thankful for a great supply.

Just in case any of you are interested in doing a schedule I'm going to provide the schedules that we have gone through up to the point that we're at right now.

Twelve to about eighteen weeks:

The only real difference in this schedule is that I took away the 10pm feeding.  Some people do this earlier but I waited until I was completely comfortable with it.  There is no set time that you HAVE to do anything.  It's your baby after all.  Emma was probably ready to lose the feeding before I was, so once I took it away she slept even better at night.

7am - wake up, eat

Did God really give me the
happiest baby ever? Yes.

awake/playtime

8:15ish 8:30am - lay down for nap

If she was happily awake I would let her stay up these extra minutes but I wanted to make sure she was at least getting an hour and a half nap so no later than 8:30.  She usually got tired fussy around 8ish anyways.

10am - wake up, eat

awake/playtime

11:15ish 11:30am - lay down for nap

1pm - wake up, eat

awake/playtime

2:15ish 2:30pm - nap

4pm - wake up, eat

awake/playtime

5:30pm - nap

She extended this awake time almost every time to 5:30 so I tried to keep her up which I think helped her sleep better that night.

7:30pm - wake up, eat

Would feed her a little later than usual since she wasn't getting 10pm feeding.

bath time/bedtime routine

8:15ish 8:30pm - lay down for bed

Would sleep through the night from 8:30pm-7am MOST nights. (NOT ALWAYS, she's just a little babe.)

Lyman would feed her an 8oz bottle at 7:30.  I would pump at 10pm for her bottle the next night but got lazy & didn't pump at 7ish like I should have.

Around eighteen weeks she started getting fussy throughout the day & not sleeping as well through the night so I made some minor changes to her schedule which made her awake times longer & naps a little shorter.  Sleeps through the night better than ever, every night.

Eighteen weeks to present (20 weeks):

Ready to start real food soon!
Howngry for some feetsies.

7:30am - wake up, eat

I made this a little later for me.  Sometimes I still get up at 7 and eat breakfast before she gets up. But let's face it, I usually sleep in until 7:30.

awake/playtime

9:00am - nap

awake a little longer than usual

10:30am - wake up, eat

awake/playtime

12:00pm - nap

1:30pm - wake up, eat

awake/playtime

3:00pm - nap

4:30pm - wake up, eat

awake/playtime

6:00pm - nap

Sometimes we skip this nap, I let her decide.  She might catch the last 30 minutes of it or she might be ready to lay down earlier.

7:30pm - wake up, eat

bath time/bedtime routine

9:00pm - lay down for the night, sleeps through the night

I would still pump at 10pm but, like I said, I got lazy and didn't pump at 7ish pm which made my supply dip after a few weeks.  I was no longer able to get enough at the 10pm pumping for her next nights bottle & I was using up my frozen supply pretty quick.  I decided to go back to breastfeeding her at 7:30 & pumping at 10 which has boosted my supply back up & allowed me to continue adding to my frozen stash of liquid gold.  She still sleeps through the night.

Thankfully, Em is awesome at letting me know what she needs.  There are days where she's ready to lay down 30 minutes before her scheduled nap & I'll let her lay down early.  I still fight for her sleep & make sure that she's getting just enough throughout the day to keep her happy & healthy.

After learning the hard way that scheduling was meant to make my life easier, not make me crazy, I really loved it!  It has worked so well for us & I hope that the mommies reading this, schedule or no schedule, have as much peace & joy in momma-ing as I do!

If you are interested in scheduling & have ANY questions, PLEASE please ask! Hopefully I can pay all the help that I've received forward!

the first seconds of real life.

Every mother I know had told me that having a child was like nothing else in this world.  I had heard many labor stories filled with indescribable pain and joy.  Two things I had never experienced together.

I decided pretty early on that I wanted to have a natural birth.  I knew from other birth stories that I couldn't know how labor was going to go, but I did know that I wanted to try natural and leave my options open.

I had an increased risk of a c-section because of the way Em's head was positioned and how high she was in my belly.  My doctor and I both stayed positive about this and he encouraged me to continue with my plans for a natural birth.  I didn't draw up a long extensive birth plan.  I just wanted to trust & listen to my body during labor.

Emma sat so high that I could barely breathe.
She would twist her little body and warp my belly.
This was the day before I went into labor.

On June 9th, after church, Lym and I took a good long nap.  I woke up having what I thought were Braxton Hicks contractions.  I had been having them a lot lately and these didn't feel any different.  After a few consistent contractions I decided to time them.  They were pretty spread out and about 10 minutes or so apart.  I got up and walked around since that always put a stop to my Braxton Hicks.  When they didn't stop and had become a little more intense I decided to time them again.  They had become about 6 minutes apart consistently.  Replaying this, it's very obvious to me that I was in labor but at the time I was in complete denial.  Completely unable to comprehend that I could be having my baby that night.

I called the hospital and they recommended that I come in to be checked.  I was NOT looking forward to that, sure that I wasn't dilated, and I knew that I didn't want to spend my entire labor in the hospital.  My water hadn't even broken yet and my plan was to complete most of my labor at home.  We waited about an hour before leaving, packed the car just in case and headed out to the hospital.

I was contracting pretty consistently the whole way there but the pain wasn't unbearable by any means.  It was more uncomfortable than anything.  We even stopped at Mcdonalds for a quick snack before going to the hospital.  We had called our moms just to let them know I was going to be checked but assured them that it was nothing and that we'd keep them posted.

SIX CENTIMETERS DILATED.

That's over halfway there!  Needless to say, our moms went CRAZY and left NC immediately while I got settled into labor and delivery.  This was at around 9:30pm.

This was actually happening!

Labor and delivery. Very comfortable!

Labor progressed pretty quickly and the nurses smiled as they lied to me, telling me that I had made it through the worst part at home.  I'm glad they lied because honestly, it kept me positive and motivated.

At around midnight I decided to have my water broken.  This is the only thing I would have changed in my labor story.  I think that through each birth we learn new things, especially the first.  I had progressed to 8cm and was growing impatient more than anything.  After my water was broken the pain was SO intense.  It felt like what I had imagined labor being like.

My nurse was very supportive of my decision to have a natural birth so she brought in a ball for me to sit on and encouraged me to walk around which was great.  Ultimately, I was most comfortable in the bed just working through each contraction.  These next several hours brought Lyman and I so incredibly close as he stood by my side.  We had a few discussions of things that I DIDN'T want during labor (touching my head, calling me champ) but we hadn't really discussed what I wanted him to do.

HE WAS AWESOME.  I really can't describe it.  Every single contraction he was holding my hand, encouraging me.  It was a beautiful thing.

For the most part, it was just me and him in the delivery room.  When I started to feel the urge to push, my nurse came in and made sure I was pushing correctly, checked my dilation and left.  I could feel Emma moving down slowly which was the most amazing feeling, despite the tremendous amount of pain.  About an hour into pushing, our moms arrived at the hospital.  I pushed for two more hours before I could literally feel her stop moving down in my belly.  My OB came in to check me and I had made it to 10cm.  I was so excited and in SO much pain at the same time.  He could see that she was face up or sunny side up as he called it, and I knew that I was going to have to have a c-section.

This didn't break my heart.  I knew I had worked SO hard and that my natural labor wasn't for nothing.  Emma had no drugs in her system and that was enough for me.  I had done EVERYTHING that I could do, so I trusted my doctor.  The fifteen minutes that it took for me to be brought to the operating room and for the anesthesiologist to get my spinal block ready was by far the longest part of my labor.

When the pain was FOR something, I could handle it.  The energy flowing through my body to naturally birth my baby was enough to keep me going.  But when that was no longer an option I became VERY ready for the medicine.

The procedure felt like it took maybe ten minutes.

And then I heard her.

I couldn't see her, but I heard her.

The most beautiful sound I had ever heard was her first cry and I INSTANTLY fell in love.

JUNE 10 6:15AM 7LBS 14OZ

My little girl was finally in my arms.
I will never forget that first kiss.

Seeing him love her is my favorite thing ever.

Even over seeing this chocolate cupcake.

 ALL of that, for this.

I would do it a million times over.

the day Emma Rose changed my life

I have been wanting to share my pregnancy story for a while now and have been praying for the story to be encouraging and motivating for others.

I stopped blogging over a year ago, for no real reason at the time.  Somehow, in my whirlwind of constant self examination, I found myself wondering why I had blogged in the first place and my purpose behind it.  I realized that I wanted everyone to see ME. and I don't even mean that in "the real me" sense.  I was doing it for attention and approval and to show all the things that I had going for me.

This is embarrassing for me to admit.

I have finally come to a place where I want to blog to show some of my testimony for others to learn from and relate to and for me to learn through the feedback.  I don't want this to be my public journal or a how-to-do-everything-ever-in-life kind of blog.  We need both of those things (maybe not the journal, have some privacy people!) but that is not my desire in this.  I hope that through everyday life and past experiences I can just honestly share with an open heart and impact SOMEONE, anyone with my words.

The beginning of Emma's life is the BEST way that I can think of to start this honest, REAL adventure.

These are the last few pictures that were taken before I found out that I was pregnant.  This may seem crazy that I remember this time so vividly, but my heart had been desiring a baby for almost 815 days STRAIGHT. so even if i wanted to, I will never forget those days surrounding that kind of joy and excitement.

My mom-in-love was coming to visit and take us out to an early anniversary dinner at the pink house (oh my goodness, so good) here in Savannah.  I had reel mowed the yard, which is a GREAT workout ;) & bought some fall flowers for the house.  but really, who cares.  I just like remembering that time that God had already started creating Emma inside of me and I didn't even know it.  I can only imagine his anticipation of the JOY I was about to feel from His wonderful surprise!

As I mentioned, I had been wanting a babe for a while.  In the big scheme of things, I know that it was a very short while.  But in the midst of a desire/frustration/anger/desire/sadness/desire/jealousy/frustration/desire kind of lifestyle it seemed like forever.  ALL  I wanted was a baby.  I think that was the worst part, is that it really was ALL that I wanted.  There were many times in that cycle where I almost lost my marriage, I definitely cut off God, and all I wanted was a baby.  How selfish of me to want to bring a baby into my world, being the kind of wife and servant of God that I wasn't.

But God is so much smarter than me.

And he cares so much more for me and for my, at the time, unborn daughter than even I do.

So I waited.  Really this makes me laugh just reading those words.  I did everything but wait, and when I was "waiting" I was NEVER patient.  After a year of trying to conceive I went to the doctors to make sure everything was okay.  Without even a real discussion he prescribed me an ovulation booster to "help move things along."  After it didn't work he upped the dosage and sent me on my way.  After another failed round I decided to research this medication and discovered the increase in TWINS, even TRIPLETS while on that medication.  I decided that I wasn't THAT ready for a baby/babies.

So I waited.  Again, more like pacing around life trying to time, plan, control and increase my chances of a pregnancy.  After another year of "waiting" I decided that maybe twins (or yes even triplets) wouldn't be so bad.  And really, they're not.  I'm not saying that people haven't been truly, abundantly blessed by twins and triplets.  I'm just saying that I was completely relying on the doctors to make that call for me instead of trusting God.  I think it's very easy to convince ourselves that God is calling us in the direction that we want to go, when often it is the exact opposite.  I had decided to take another round of the ovulation boosters and if that didn't work I was going to try an HCG shot and if that didn't work then I was going to trust God.  This was my logic people.  I don't regret taking the route that I did, and I know that many people have had success with these methods.  God knew my heart, and He knew that I wasn't trusting Him.  So guess what?  The doctors methods didn't work and my fertility specialist declared me infertile.  He wasn't saying that I would NEVER have children, but he was saying that I would never have children without assistance.

But God is so much smarter than my fertility specialist.

After my immediate devastation, I got motivated.  God opened my eyes and let me see all of the beautiful things that I had received over the years.  The things I had been missing because of my obsessive desire to be a mother.  I had a WONDERFUL husband who had loved me through the last 3 years despite the bumps in the road.  I had a healthy body, a beautiful home and two very sweet dogs.  I had GOD. always. He had never left my side and was revealing to me just how beautiful He was.

The moment, and I literally mean the day, that i accepted that - I became pregnant.

This may sound unbelievable but I have the journal entries and date of conception to prove it.  Not that I need to, again, who cares? I'm ready to get to the BEST PART!

Meet Emma Rose.

This is how I knew her for the first 9 months of our relationship.

Kissy lips from the get-go.

I can't wait to share her birth story because the excitement

and joy trumped even the positive pregnancy test.

I'll leave you with these images to get you excited about what's to come.

       38 weeks                                            day before labor                           "labor's a breeze!"

stir crazy & lazy.

i'm going to blame this on my dogs. honestly all they want to do is lay around, sleep & watch tv all day.

obviously the crazy part is really starting to shine through.  i'm so thankful for all this spare time but i find myself wasting it day after day.  i do a lot of cleaning, which i enjoy, i paint sometimes & read on a weekly basis but really. i know i'm supposed to be doing more.

i've been reading this book "Chazown" by craig groeschel & it's about finding out what God wants us to do with our lives.  i've been reading it waaaay too slowly & let too much time pass between chapters which makes it really hard to tie it all together.  surprisingly, with all that said, i have learned a lot about myself.  God gives all of us core values, spiritual gifts & past experiences to build the person that He wants us to be.  it's pretty exciting to see all of those things come together & see some of the ways i can truly make a difference in this world.

God has given lyman & i so many opportunities to really use what He's given us - lyman uses his gifts everyday in a job that he loves & still looks ahead at what he can do to make even more of an impact in this life. really, love this guy more every single day.  but me- i'm not doing anything.  i don't doubt that i have a lot to offer because of where i've been & the resources i have but i need to do something about it!

lyman & i talk all the time about how early older people get up & really it just makes so much sense that they would because they realize they have less days than they did the day before. whether that's their last or not, they know they have to do SOMETHING worthwhile.  as much as i think about that, i really wish i'd change my way of thinking because as cliche as this may sound, this could be my very last day.  & i'd be wasting it on my couch.

honestly, i could be looking too far into this, but i have a yearning in my heart for more & it's about time that i get excited about it!

i took a little tumble.

so let me just set this up for you.

playing frisbee in the dog park with my favorite person & my little dog

we're trying to see how many times we can throw it without it hitting the ground

i throw a little trick shot lymans way

he catches it - one

he throws a super trick shot my way

being the athlete that i am, i go after it full speed

i step off the sidewalk into a huge hole to my possible death

this is probably the saddest story you've heard in a while so i'll sum it up pretty quick

i cry a little because that fall was just so scary

i fake that my shoulder really hurts because i realize crying is kind of silly

i'm covered in dirt

lyman informs me some people saw me

& covered their mouth out of embarrassment for me

i thank him for that, start laughing & really can't stop for

a long time because i just keep picturing myself

falling, unexpectedly in a huge hole.

thankfully i'm okay.

this picture doesn't do that hole any justice

my right foot is on regular ground

but i sure do look like a good sport

dear journal

this is literally a letter addressed to my journal that i wrote in for the last time last night.


you have been so wonderful. when i first got you three years ago i was so in love with your design & color but then lymans dog chewed the corner of your cover & i thought about just throwing you away because, as you know, i'm a perfectionist.  but instead i decided you were too expensive for that & i kept you.  i wrote in you during all the different stages i've been in for the past three years.  lyman being in bootcamp, us crazily planning a secret marriage then deciding our families were just too great to trick like that, our wedding, moving away from home to "the big city" or as most would call it - virginia.  i told you about lyman wanting to be a rescue swimmer then lyman becoming a rescue swimmer in elizabeth city.  i used you to write some of my prayers that i didn't trust myself to stay awake during and for A LOT  of my complaints that i feel embarrassed to look back on because i'm seriously so ridiculous.  i told you about my family & how excited i was to move to savannah & be close to them.  i told you how much i hated savannah when we first got here, then how i slowly have fallen in love with it more with every day.  i've told you WAY too much & have already requested my best friend burn you when i die but i think that's for the best.  thank you for letting me be weird, happy, hurt & funny & keeping it all for me to remember. you're truly the best.


sincerely,
candice