home is wherever i'm with you.: the day Emma Rose changed my life

I have been wanting to share my pregnancy story for a while now and have been praying for the story to be encouraging and motivating for others.

I stopped blogging over a year ago, for no real reason at the time. Somehow, in my whirlwind of constant self examination, I found myself wondering why I had blogged in the first place and my purpose behind it. I realized that I wanted everyone to see ME. and I don't even mean that in "the real me" sense. I was doing it for attention and approval and to show all the things that I had going for me.

This is embarrassing for me to admit.

I have finally come to a place where I want to blog to show some of my testimony for others to learn from and relate to and for me to learn through the feedback. I don't want this to be my public journal or a how-to-do-everything-ever-in-life kind of blog. We need both of those things (maybe not the journal, have some privacy people!) but that is not my desire in this. I hope that through everyday life and past experiences I can just honestly share with an open heart and impact SOMEONE, anyone with my words.

The beginning of Emma's life is the BEST way that I can think of to start this honest, REAL adventure.

These are the last few pictures that were taken before I found out that I was pregnant. This may seem crazy that I remember this time so vividly, but my heart had been desiring a baby for almost 815 days STRAIGHT. so even if i wanted to, I will never forget those days surrounding that kind of joy and excitement.

My mom-in-love was coming to visit and take us out to an early anniversary dinner at the pink house (oh my goodness, so good) here in Savannah. I had reel mowed the yard, which is a GREAT workout ;) & bought some fall flowers for the house. but really, who cares. I just like remembering that time that God had already started creating Emma inside of me and I didn't even know it. I can only imagine his anticipation of the JOY I was about to feel from His wonderful surprise!

As I mentioned, I had been wanting a babe for a while. In the big scheme of things, I know that it was a very short while. But in the midst of a desire/frustration/anger/desire/sadness/desire/jealousy/frustration/desire kind of lifestyle it seemed like forever. ALL I wanted was a baby. I think that was the worst part, is that it really was ALL that I wanted. There were many times in that cycle where I almost lost my marriage, I definitely cut off God, and all I wanted was a baby. How selfish of me to want to bring a baby into my world, being the kind of wife and servant of God that I wasn't.

But God is so much smarter than me.

And he cares so much more for me and for my, at the time, unborn daughter than even I do.

So I waited. Really this makes me laugh just reading those words. I did everything but wait, and when I was "waiting" I was NEVER patient. After a year of trying to conceive I went to the doctors to make sure everything was okay. Without even a real discussion he prescribed me an ovulation booster to "help move things along." After it didn't work he upped the dosage and sent me on my way. After another failed round I decided to research this medication and discovered the increase in TWINS, even TRIPLETS while on that medication. I decided that I wasn't THAT ready for a baby/babies.

So I waited. Again, more like pacing around life trying to time, plan, control and increase my chances of a pregnancy. After another year of "waiting" I decided that maybe twins (or yes even triplets) wouldn't be so bad. And really, they're not. I'm not saying that people haven't been truly, abundantly blessed by twins and triplets. I'm just saying that I was completely relying on the doctors to make that call for me instead of trusting God. I think it's very easy to convince ourselves that God is calling us in the direction that we want to go, when often it is the exact opposite. I had decided to take another round of the ovulation boosters and if that didn't work I was going to try an HCG shot and if that didn't work then I was going to trust God. This was my logic people. I don't regret taking the route that I did, and I know that many people have had success with these methods. God knew my heart, and He knew that I wasn't trusting Him. So guess what? The doctors methods didn't work and my fertility specialist declared me infertile. He wasn't saying that I would NEVER have children, but he was saying that I would never have children without assistance.

But God is so much smarter than my fertility specialist.

After my immediate devastation, I got motivated. God opened my eyes and let me see all of the beautiful things that I had received over the years. The things I had been missing because of my obsessive desire to be a mother. I had a WONDERFUL husband who had loved me through the last 3 years despite the bumps in the road. I had a healthy body, a beautiful home and two very sweet dogs. I had GOD. always. He had never left my side and was revealing to me just how beautiful He was.

The moment, and I literally mean the day, that i accepted that - I became pregnant.

This may sound unbelievable but I have the journal entries and date of conception to prove it. Not that I need to, again, who cares? I'm ready to get to the BEST PART!